Better Than Me
by kaze hikaru12
Summary: Side story to my other story, "Reconnect the Shattered Memories". One-shot. Song-fic. After Pansy has disappeared, Draco starts thinking of the good times they had together, and that she deserved so much better than him.


Better Than Me

**Summary:** One-shot. Song-fic. After Pansy has disappeared, Draco starts thinking of the good times they had together, and that she deserved so much better than him.

**Disclaimer:** Sadly these amazing characters are not mine. Anything that has to do with Harry Potter is not mine. BUT IT WILL BE SOMEDAY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAA!! (sorry for that little outburst) ;)

**Better Than Me**

The sun shone brightly in the clear November sky, shining down on upon a bustling city street. Across the street was a park. This ancient and overgrown, empty park was completely devoid of laughing and running children, old men feeding pigeons, and young people out for a jog. This empty place had recently become the favorite haunt of seventeen-year-old Draco Malfoy.

He now sat propped up against a massive, withered oak tree, staring past the autumn leaves that cascaded down from the huge branches. His cold blue eyes fixated on the endless sky, so lovely, but so empty and devoid of life. He would have preferred it to be raining right now; it would have made him feel better. It was the perfect fall day, but it was wasted on the young man. He felt nothing but bitterness towards Mother Nature and everything else in the world. His only refuge was here in this park, the only place in the world he didn't hate; the one place where he wasn't hated. This was the only place where he could sit and think. The only place he could sit and think about her.

Draco closed his eyes, fighting back the impending tears.

"Pansy…" He whispered, opening his eyes again and staring up into the massive dead branches.

Just then, a car screeched to a halt just a few yards away, the radio blasting.

"No consideration for other peoples music preferences, eh?" He said irritably, wiping his eyes on the cuff of his battered black leather jacket. He shifted farther away from the road, but the heavy metal kept hammering at his ears.

He pushed himself off the ground to go and tell the driver to turn off the noise or else, when he heard a guitar playing out a sad and bitter melody, and a hardened and husky voice sang:

"_I think you can do much better than me _

_After all the lies that I made you believe…_"

Draco froze mid-stride. Pansy's face flashed into his mind, looking upset and hurt. The look on her face was the same one that he saw when he lied about where he had been one night.

"I was awful to you wasn't I? I lied to you a lot didn't I? Little lies and big lies, I didn't know what I was really doing to you." He thought, ashamed.

"_The guilt kicks in when I start to see_

_The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be…_"

He remembered her favorite nightgown and how he loved the feel of her faded blue tee-shirt. She had snuck into his room often during the summer months, just to be near him. She crept in, slipped under the covers, and nestled into his arms like a frightened child who needed consoling, and he was happy to oblige. He missed resting his head on top of hers.

"_I told myself I won't miss you,_

_but I remember_

_what it feels like beside you…_"

He never told himself that he would miss her. He just knew he would. But now his grief was overpowering and he questioned himself why. He knew he wasn't the same after she left. He knew that no one was going to take her place in his heart. Now that he had been with her for so long, it didn't seem right to think about having anyone else in his life. He remembered every moment he spent with her, and every time he made her cry. He couldn't understand why the inevitable would hit so hard.

"_I really miss your hair in my face…_

_and the way your innocence tastes_

_and I think you should know this… _

_you deserve much better than me…_"

Her hair, he missed burying his face in it countless times over the months. Her chocolate brown hair would always be so soft and smooth, he loved running his fingers through it and ruffling it when they were in public together, just to annoy her. She was so beautiful and innocent. She was so pure, and he did not intend to defile her until the war was over, when everything had settled down, and she had moved in with him into the apartment they bought a month ago. All those plans were destroyed now. When she disappeared he was already dealing with guilt, and paying heavily for it. Grief and guilt began to take its toll on his body and mind.

"She deserved so much better than me." He thought bitterly.

"_While looking through your old box of notes_

_found those pictures I took that you were looking for…_"

A few weeks prior to their big fight, she had asked for some pictures he took a while ago, the ones of them just having fun. The pictures she wanted were taken like photo booth shots, all funny and stupid looking, but cute. He never got around to getting them for her, and he found them a few days ago trying to put some of her stuff in storage.

"_If there's one memory I don't want to lose…_

_that time at the mall, you and me in the dressing room…_"

He almost smiled at that verse. That was the day when Pansy had been trying on dresses for a social event her parents were holding. She dragged him through all the stores in a muggle mall to find the perfect dress, and she let him pick out some hideous dresses just for the hell of it. She tried them all on and let him accompany her in the back to help with buttons and straps. It was all innocent fun, but it was intoxicating for both of them to be in that tiny space together.

"_I told_ _myself I won't miss you… _

_but I remember_

_what it feels like beside you…_"

"I will always miss you, now that everything's coming back, you'll always be on my mind."

"_I really miss your hair in my face_

_and the way your innocence tastes_

_and I think you should know this… _

_you deserve much better than me…_"

"Why did she settle for me? She wouldn't be missing or dead right now if she had chosen someone else." He thought angrily.

"_The bed I'm laying in is getting colder_

_wish I never would have said it's over…_"

That was his biggest mistake in life, letting her go and telling her that everything they ever were was no longer. He kicked himself in the foot every day for that. Now he couldn't even sleep in his own room because it reminded him of her. Pansy's memory was taking over him.

"_And I can't pretend_

_I won't think about you when I'm older…_

_because we never really had our closure_

_this can't be the end…_"

"It can't be the end…. I can't accept it!"

"_End…_" the music chided.

"_**NO**__**!**_" he cried with the music.

"_I really miss your hair in my face_

_and the way your innocence tastes…_

_and I think you should know this…_

_you deserve much better than me…_"

The music washed over him, he felt the lyrics course through his veins, the words filling him and hitting home with their meaning.

"I_ really miss your hair in my face_

_and the way your innocence tastes_

_and I think you should know this…_

_you deserve much better than me…_"

_"And I think you should know this_…."

"_You deserve much better than me…_" he dropped to his knees, choking out the words.

"_And I think you should know this_…"

"_You deserve much better than me…_" he shook, cradling his head in his hands, rocking back and forth.

"_And I think you should know thi_s…"

"_You deserve much better than me…_" he dropped his hands and looked up with pain-glazed eyes into the graying sky.

"_And I think you should know this…"_

He hung his head again, and sighed.

"Pansy… if you're out there… if you're still alive… one day I'll make everything right. But until then, know that you will always deserve much better than me."

THE END


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